Feeling Small

Following my identification of some imbalanced energies in my sense of self and sense of balance as mentioned in my previous post, I continued to go deeper into this imprint, and discovered that a lot of the tension in my deep tissues are related by an energy of diminutivation of self.

In past years, I had already consciously identified this imprint, but at that time, I didn’t have the clarity that I now have to clear it more thoroughly. To be more precise, this energy of mine makes me want to make myself as small as possible, as insignificant as possible, as inferior as possible, in front of people, as a reflection of me feeling inferior and insignificant. The origin of this energy is from me as a zygote during conception point, which is my energy origination point where I received the strongest emotional energies from parents.

This is one reason why I tend to fall victim to control freaks, to being dominated and dictated by others, because they naturally assume or feel that I am inferior or don’t know a thing or seem ignorant or simply not living up to their expectations and standards of what a person with normal intelligence should be. Not only that, I tend to be belittled by men. As if that is not bad enough, by ignorant and controlling and sometimes tyrannical men.

To heal this problem, I would also need to observe and acknowledge my reaction to these men, and to observe and identify the repeated situations and ambience of such interactions that I tend to fall into, because it’s our chronic patterns that manufacture a scenario with people, place, event, etc. My situations are either hierarchical or romantic, in both cases the man immediately takes on a role of being a controller or dictator, and I am his servant or slave, therefore his style of dealing with me is commanding and expecting me to fit the image or behavior in his mind, and I immediately relegate into a follower position where I must agree and accommodate him. Both sides to the relationship are unconsciously acting out the patterns. Even when I was conscious that there was something wrong with it, I was unable to step out of the pattern to interact with him, because as long as I behaved in a way that he did not expect or accept, he would think that I was at fault and the following behaviors would be aggression, intimidation, condemnation, humiliation, coercion, oppression, etc. Then I would react with defense, indignation, avoidance, etc. When his actions failed to solicit in me the inferiority and submissiveness that he wanted, his actions and reactions would escalate. And so the drama just gets bigger and bigger, and I get more and more stuck in this repeated pattern because these energies in me get stronger and stronger.

My father had never accepted me being me, me saying what I think, and me speaking in ways that properly delivered the nuances of my meaning. To him, that would appear pompous and pretentious, as if I am belittling him, making him look dumb, and he would react with instant ferocity. So to protect myself from his future possible violence against my self-expression, I had to dumb myself down, to speak in broken sentences, in improper pronunciation, in simple juvenile words, etc., to ensure that my expression would in no way make him feel inadequate or inferior. This is another manifestation of my energy of diminutivation of self.

The most aggravating part of this type of experience is that, on the one hand he tries to push me down, but on the other hand he expects me to excel, to be grand, to make something of myself. And since he forever sees only the diminutive version of me, or he can only stand to see me beneath him, he gets extremely angry at me for not living up to his expectations of being someone whom he can be proud of, and I constantly bear the imprint of being invalidated and condemned.

The tension and tightness in my musculature is me trying to hold myself together to protect myself from aggression. And when my own parents treat me like that, I tend to think that the rest of the world also treats me like that. So I get tense when I need to assert myself in group settings, because the more people there are, the aggression I project outward from my sensory organs and perception, and the energy infuses my entire sensory system until I drown in it and unable to perceive life any other way.

. . .

My Taiwanese teacher said that sense of balance and sense of self are more at the back of the other senses, so the healing and development of these two senses would require a student to be at the advanced level of learning. I am now at the immediate level.

When I scan the imbalanced energies affecting these two senses, I do feel that they are closer to my root and therefore are a little bit harder to scope out thoroughly and entirely. I will need to do it in multiple sessions.

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