I have been considering my friend Patricia’s invitation to go stay with her in her city again. This time, her suggestion was partly born out of a new discovery that her workplace had a hub where there were pool table, ping pong table, and other amenities. I was curious to see it. Hence, her invitation.
This time, she won’t have to yank me out of my nest at the last minute. I would have plenty of time to consider, and if I choose to accept her invitation and spend time at her workplace using her employee access card to roam around freely while she sits at her desk, I can plan for it, namely, finish doing my laundry, cleaning my place, pack or finish my perishable food, etc., before I remove myself and Phil Phil from our abode.
So it seems like things will go better either way, however, I am preparing and forecasting for the upcoming psychological challenges, should I accept her invitation. Because there were at least a couple of themes from my last visit that I did not adequately address even up until this moment. It’s like you come back from a vacation, and you have backlog of work waiting for you to plough through, but while you are doing that, you also have new work pouring in.
Very succinctly, these were the two themes:
- The nature of all my intimate relationships is such that I am expected to be fully present and jump immediately at the other person’s request, while they are mostly absent and unavailable.
- My impatience when the other person is too slow to do something that I can do in a second, or over-complicate a simple procedure for nought while requiring me to waste my time watching them undergo their nonsense, or even worse, expecting me to participate in their fruitless and pointless over-complication process.
I have a lot of stuck energies in these. So I am putting them off, due to the scale of the issues. However, if I am to re-encounter them soon, then there is an urgency to address them now. While I wonder how I am going to do so, I randomly re-played one of the teacher’s many audio recordings which previously meant nothing to me, but now it suddenly rang a bell in me.
Very specifically, the part of the recording I listened to just now was on how to deal with someone else’s problem. The question was from a student who asked about how she could deal with her mother’s deteriorating health. The teacher’s answer: be present.
Okay, that roughly gave me a general direction on how to tackle my second theme. The teacher’s logic is that, when a person is fully present, she will emit a certain vibration, which will make the people around her be more present as well, and that will help to reduce the amount of drama and noise that the people around me have, hence reducing their scale of over-dramatization of an otherwise simplistic task.
So I am indirectly saying that the noise, drama, insecurities, nonsense, etc., in our lives are partly due to an inability to be fully present, to stand firmly in our power, to be conscious and mindful, etc.
I think I would still have to address my impatience separately, as there is a lot of anger, non-acceptance, instability associated with it. In addition to that, I tend to want control, to take control, when the other person is in the process of growing a molehill to the size of a mountain, because I can’t stand watching, worse yet, I can’t stand being pulled in to waste my resources on redundancy and inefficiency. But why would I be involved in this kind of situation unless there is a lesson there for me. Aside from learning patience, acceptance (letting go of control), and understanding, I feel that there is also a lesson for loss or leakage.
Why would I need to leak energy? Why would I need to expend more than necessary? Why would I need to be placed in a position of insufficiency? Lack? Not allowed or entitled to have, to own, to feel abundance?
I have been tackling this problem for a long time, without noticing much improvement. Perhaps I am in the process of healing this, hence the universe brings Patricia close to me, so that I can stare at it all the time! Her loss is excessive, chronic, out of control, and worst of all, she is not even cognizant of it!
Okay, that’s a quick scan of my second theme.
Now my first theme. It’s about internal locus of focus and imbalance relationship. I keep getting pulled and dragged by the other person, to do what they want to do, whenever they want, without so much as a considerate discussion with me as to what I want, when I want, etc. Or they would ask me to standby to wait for them to do something, and so I do, and they change their mind, they don’t feel the need to inform me, leaving me waiting for nought. Why is that? Am I just other people’s puppet? I can say no, and negotiate, but the scope of my negotiation is extremely limited, like there is simply not a lot of choices for me, or to put it another way, there is not a lot of choices that they will accept. So even if I do negotiation, the result is still skewed to their interest and not to mine. It is just not balanced, no matter what. Why is that?
The other side of the problem is that, only they can suggest, request, demand; but not me. If I do, the other side will immediately smash me, like smashing the shuttlecock in badminton. There is clearly a master-servant dynamic involved. I am not in a position in a relationship to function as a full-blown human being, with rights and entitlements.
I think the more fundamental problem is that I do not have a sense of self, that I lose myself in intimate relationships, that I can accommodate others or put them before me if I want to receive love.
There is a lot yet to heal. Now I can see the experience from the soul level. Hopefully at that elevation, I can be more present and stable to handle the challenges!
