I am observing the psychological activities in my dating experience lately. One thing that intrigues me is the energy feedback loop. Meaning that the energy I send out loops back into me.
I was messaging someone and I made some playful and comical comments. He responded with similar vibe. So the conversation was jovial and lovely. I am very goal-oriented, so I asked if he would be interested in meeting up. He said yes, but only on weekends. So we agreed to meet on a weekend, but did not lock in a time nor place.
Then he said, “I like you!”
Supposedly this is a good sign, indicating that things are moving in the right direction. But soon after I stopped replying. The conversation died, and I did not want to start a new topic. It’s like playing ping pong and he smashed the ball at me. I didn’t pick it up. I mean, ‘Why did you smash at me in the first place? Aren’t you supposed to help keep the conversation going too? Or you think that the responsibility is mine alone?’
When I didn’t initiate another energy loop, nothing happened between us. So I guess he was only in receiving but not in giving. He’s not what I want.
I want someone who makes a move because he wants to, not because I have paved a smooth and open path for him to.
On the other hand, I had also met someone who does put in quite a bit of effort into carrying a meaningful conversation. But not enough emotions coming through. It’s not that he had absolutely zero emotion, rather, it’s more like his emotions were not romantic nor affectionate nor loving nor sweet in nature. He was happy to see me, happy to be meeting me, happy to take me around, etc. And I felt cherished and appreciated. However, that’s not the main ingredients I am looking for in a romantic relationship. That’s more like the ingredients for friendship.
When I asked why that was. I immediately realized, because I was not attracted to him. So if I was not sending the vibe, I would not get that required vibe back.
I am not sure where I am heading with the dating experience. So I came back to myself, and observed. What kind of vibe am I emitting? What kind of energies am I attracting? What place am I operating from?
I am 100% certain that I am not operating from a place of love. That is perhaps my answer as to why I am not seeing love out there.
A lot of my energy is going out to fetch attention, which means I am operating out of lack: lack of attention. I genuinely do want to find a stable and committed relationship, though my need for attention kicked in first and dominated my behaviors.
I need to shift all my energy routes, as they all originate from negativities. But it is so widespread and pervasive, not to mention I still am not able to firmly sit in the vibration of love.
With yet another guy on the dating app, I feel that the energy that we are exchanging seems to be changing regularly, as I cautiously change my psychological position. At the beginning it was just light-hearted banter. Then it became more terse and subdued, as I was not feeling well enough to carry an enthusiastic conversation. Then the frequency of our messages dropped, leaving more silence between us. Then our conversation felt more like an obligation to respond, rather than a joy to respond. It’s like we are two pieces of clouds that morph and clash and drift.
Each time I observed a shift, I asked myself, ‘What do I want to do? What do I want?’
Sometimes I wanted silence, because I wanted to use that opportunity to sit with the absence of attention, to be comfortable and secured with the lack. But I would say, ‘If he needs more time to respond, then let him take his time.’ Instead of saying anything negative like ‘I don’t want him to respond.’
Whenever he replied late, I would notice myself feeling a bit antsy. And when it got more extreme, I would wonder, ‘Did he choose to let go of me? But I am not yet ready to let go of him yet. More precisely, I have not made that decision, and I’m not sure if I will or not. I still want to hang on to him, not out of need, but out of hope that I can develop something more with him, although I feel that I cannot advance.’
I did not address my insecurities with hope, wish, desire, affirmation, prayer, etc. Thankfully so! Because I don’t want to pull him in. If there is a pull, then there will be a push. Guaranteed. And I can end up being trapped between the two forces. No thank you. I am done with that!
I am now learning to aim at arriving at the center, between the push and pull, the lack and the desire. Because only by positioning myself firmly in the center can I receive all the emotional nourishments and abundance, and have them flow out of me to attract loving relationships into my life.
We are still messaging each other. I think that means I am doing this right. As I continue to navigate this psychological terrain, I thank his soul for coming into my life to co-create our experiences together.
