I tried to clear my tendency of hoping, waiting, yearning for attention. But soon after I cleared it, it came back to me again. So I sat with this conundrum.
Then the answer came to me while I was trying to translate some notes from a Taiwanese spiritual healer. Synchronicity? Universal guidance?
. . .
When we yearn for something, we are doing so from a place of lack. For example, if we want money, we are doing so from a psychological position of not having enough money.
When we use our energy to chase after money, we are intensifying the vibration of the origination point—lack of money. Hence, the more we chase, the more we lack, and the bigger our wound becomes. Both the wanting and the lacking are like two sides of a pendulum, the more we try to push to the wanting side, the more we swing back to the lacking side. But the resolution isn’t to swing wider. Instead, the resolution is to come to the middle, where we stop swinging.
The pendulum swing is a balancing mechanism on planet Earth. Our planet is designed to operate in duality. The north and south poles represent our desires and our lack—if we lack attention, we chase after attention. The planet’s gravitational pull represents our chasing, yearning, craving, hoping, desiring, etc. We invest all our emotions, power, and life force into this pendulum swing, this chasing, this pulling of what we lack.
When we pull, we are circulating our resources (emotions, power, life force) endlessly throughout our body—our brain, musculoskeletal system, our organs, blood and bodily fluids—such that every cycle of each part of our body (our every breath, our every heart beat) flows with the cycle of every day and night, every yin and yang, every polarity in our natural world, to weave a life with a unique set of recurring themes, by repeatedly sewing the emotions into every molecule and atom in our body and in our life, like knitting a sweater with a certain pattern. The repetitive movement in the knitting represents the cycle of all our life processes, such as walking where we repeatedly shift our body weight left right left right. Eventually, we end up with our unique life stories, life circumstances, life lessons, etc.
This weaving of our desires, emotions, life force into every single atom and molecule of our physical body begins in the womb, while our body takes form. The energetic and emotional imbalances in our gene chromosome pervade all our body parts during the process of forming our body in the womb, such that each of our body parts has a unique vibration that is representative of the interaction of our imbalances with our external environment—the mother’s body and the mother’s external environment—and these body parts then later manifest into different scenarios in different aspects of our lives to give us our life themes in our physical reality. These themes are the physical manifestations of the original imbalances we started out with in our gene chromosome.
Healing means to come to a balance, to return the pendulum to the middle where it stops swinging. That is the psychological position where we stop invalidating, rejecting, resisting, opposing, which also means we stop chasing, yearning, craving, hoping, etc.
The way to return to the center is to observe the mechanics of our lives, to feel our emotions pulsating through each level of our being, to trace the imbalances in our external world through the interweaving of the fabric of our being to our internal imbalances at the DNA level.
. . .
The other day I decided to hit reset. Because my wishes, desires, and manifestations were messed up. I felt a mangled up cobweb in my energy fields. I didn’t know how to straighten it out, so I decided to throw it away and start fresh. It’s like a painter having spent months painting a canvas and eventually decided to rip apart the canvas and start again with a blank one.
A few hours after I had hit reset, something happened in my physical reality. The experience shifted me slightly, onto an adjacent neurological pathway, something more positive. But still, I was operating the same pattern. I was still craving for attention, though the intensity was lower.
When my phone gave me a sound notification that it received a text message, I immediately grabbed my device. But … my phone was malfunctioning: it swallowed my text message, disappearing as soon as the notification flashed on my screen, as if it never received the message. It was doing other weird things too, including not allowing me to type, such that I had to restart the phone in order to type.
But the swallowed-up text message never re-emerged. Instead of craving or crying, I think the universe was nudging me to move away from this pendulum swing, this pattern of hoping, waiting, yearning.
I sat with the yearning, held it like holding a rope, traced it through the energy circuitry like pulling the rope, all the way back to my DNA like all the way to the other end of the rope. I wasn’t too successful in my tracing. I got stuck somewhere near my diaphragm, and I felt tightness near my nose and other body parts.
This tracing exercise might take a long time. But I think it’s better than doing something that doesn’t work.