The next morning after I wrote about building new pathways aiming straight at my goals, I was immediately bombarded with nine million things in the first hour of awakening that jumped up and danced around me, making me unable to determine what exactly my next or first step should be upon getting out of bed. I would classify these things as unconscious materials, as they were all beyond my control, such as surprises, weather-related situations, unplanned but time-sensitive events, emergencies, etc. Compared to my previous ten million things, which I could filter out of as they were less demanding, these nine million things were practically shouting for my attention. Hence, I was dealing with competing and conflicting interests, priorities, needs, etc. Rather than going through my usual morning routine, I had to attend to these unexpected events first. So much for aiming straight at my goals huh?
Immediately, I entered into a state of confusion, as my previously designed pathway was not robust enough to handle these situations. That was my theme for yesterday.
In a state of emergency, what do you do? What do you do first?
For my situation, I reviewed my goals, intentions, needs, priorities, values, etc. Every next step I chose would have to align with these guiding points. Every step required calculation and negotiation. Some top priorities would have to be negotiated downward to make room for surprises and unexpected events. Flexibility.
My original formula of aiming straight at the bullseye and shoot had to be edited in many ways, for instance, by inserting a secondary goal into the original pathway, as a might-as-well-do-this-while-I-am-at-it tactic to increase overall efficiency of multiple tasks, rather than the efficiency of only one task. Synergy.
I used to multi-task heavily. I didn’t have trouble meeting deadlines. I know how to do things in a non-linear fashion, to handle multiple tasks at once and still maintain control. The reason I want to move away from this modus operandi is because my energy flow is also like this, roundabout and entangled, which leads to stagnation and inefficiency. But then, this flow pattern was originally built to operate in a state of emergency, crisis, trauma, and drama. Meaning that, it was designed to fit a certain type of circumstances. It’s just that, I no longer wish to live in this sort of life circumstances.
I am trying to think of how to completely drop those nonsense that I don’t want so that I can use my new pathways exclusively. I tune in to those seemingly uncontrollable events, to see what’s inside me that’s manufacturing them in my physicality. Blind spots. My perception is narrow and incomplete. The ingredients for these unexpected events have always been in my fields, it’s just that previously they didn’t blast through the threshold into physicality. As I open up my field of perception, I see many things have been sitting in my fields. When I don’t do anything, when I lie low, they don’t move much. But when I take action, they start to dance around me. It’s like the insects in a cobweb. When neither the insects nor the spider move, then everything is peaceful. But when either the insect or the spider moves, then there is tension and there is drama.
I guess that’s why people go on retreats and vacations. So that their tension and drama stop. But it’s only a temporary solution. The permanent solution is to remove the drama and tension, instead of quieting them down.
I am clearing away the rubbish (the nine million things) in my fields. First, what is rubbish? Anything not in alignment with my goals, needs, values, beliefs, etc.
How do I determine what my goals are? Things that bring me joy, propel my personal evolution, actualize my highest potentials, etc.
As I go through this type of questions to organize my mind, my fields, my life, etc., I also come across conflicting goals for now but not necessarily for future. This has been one of my biggest stuck points throughout my journey. I have been aiming at goals faraway into the future. It’s like learning how to run before learning how to walk. But I can’t. So I don’t. Stalemate. Because from my current vantage point, it looks like a complete waste of time to pursue something that isn’t what I want, and yet, that thing that I don’t want seems to be my only way forward right now. Annoyance.
I can imagine that within my physical body there are also equally conflicting energy circuitry as well as equally rigid and stubborn blocks that result in stagnation.
I can see that the logical solution is to take the only route forward, drop the stubbornness, but somehow, it is the most difficult decision to make. I suppose this is a detour. Need to build a detour or multiple detours during a renovation. They don’t contribute directly to the ultimate goal, but they are absolutely necessary for the goal to progress.
. . .
Before I started writing this article, I used a flower essence blend that boosted mental coherence and clarity. In the past when I used this blend, it didn’t give me as much focus and efficiency as today. What I am experiencing today is a smoother conversion of thoughts into words, which is not something within the scope of this blend. It is however one of the results of the brain flower essence blend that I have been using to cleanse and heal my central nervous system.
My original intention when I first bought the brain essence blend was to heal whatever needed healing in my brain, without having much clarity as to what exactly was there to heal. But now, I am not only using it to rebuild my pathways to doing things, but also to rebuild energy circuitries inside and outside of my body. As you can see, the journey has been quite an amusement and a surprise for me!