I put on a dress today!
Normally I don’t wear dresses, but today, I thought of the dress that my acupuncturist Beth bought me, and I wanted to hold it and touch it. What I was doing prior to that moment was reading my psychological space for things that are causing my experience with being ignored, omitted, neglected by the guy upstairs. I cleared as much negativities as I could that were traced to this theme, and after that, I replaced my psychological space with positive thoughts and emotions. Hence, the dress.
Beth bought me a graceful pearl blue dress. I sensed my deceased mother coming through as she gave me the dress, and when she marveled at it when I put it on. The way she looked at me was like the way a loving mother admired her daughter as if the daughter was the most beautiful thing in the world. Such strong love pouring into me, through her eyes, her gestures as she folded my sleeves, and her belief that I could carry the dress—to give it life—and that I could carry it well.
Later, I showed my friend Patricia the dress. Again, I put it on. She looked at me with a more analytical eye. Her response was closer to what I had in mind, that it was a very difficult color to carry, and a very difficult dress to carry. It would require a supermodel body frame, because there was basically no embellishment to the dress. The only way to shine in that dress was if the wearer herself shone through the dress. And the color! Alas! The only way to look gorgeous in that color was if I made myself gorgeous. So this was a dress that required me to upshift myself to a higher level.
Nonetheless, I appreciated the thought and the gesture of Beth. Perhaps this was what my deceased mother would have wanted for me. Or maybe, in her mind, she saw me as someone truly beautiful and had the potential for something much greater. This dress was either an encouragement or an affirmation, or both.
So I held on to it today, as I worked through my wounds of being secondary, inferior, insignificant, etc. Psychological healing would not be as effective if there was no physical component to transfer and translate the non-physical effects into physicality. When I held the dress, all the emotions flushed into me. However, when I put it on, I was immediately transported into a completely different psychological space. There was no motherly love, no appreciation, no encouragement, etc.
Instead, I felt strategic and analytical, almost like a fashion designer trying to make a dress work. I was trying to figure out how to carry it, but more than that, I was trying to figure out how to do so with ease and grace, just like how a supermodel would carry a dress on the runway with flair, like the dress was their second skin.
Is there supposed to be a strategic and analytical component to complete my healing? I suppose some execution is required on the physical realm.
I do not have complete clarity in my healing path, because I am still quite buried in darkness and heaviness. The only way I can have an aerial view, like a GPS, is when I graduate from my wounds.
I struggled a lot to arrive at the point where I am not compelled to react to my wounds when they are triggered, and they are constantly triggered. I am becoming more inclined to stay firmly in the wounds, to simply observe without succumbing to the urge to react nor to neurologically switch on my coping mechanisms.
In the past, the charge was so strong that it would automatically switch on my coping mechanisms, and stay in them for a long time without my conscious awareness, as my attention was hijacked by the wounds, much like how a mad bull would pick you up and throw you around, and you lose all control of your body.
Today, I didn’t hear from the guy upstairs. Yet, I feel more and more euphoric, as if not hearing is better than hearing from him. Very weird huh?
I’m euphoric because I am passing the stress test. I may not be graduating fully from this wound, but I am definitely achieving yet another breakthrough in my healing, and that’s more worth celebrating than getting attention from the guy I like, because the former is the foundation for the latter.
My ultimate aim is to heal myself, to invest in myself, without which nothing good can come out of my life. So if I were to actually lose someone I like, it’s okay, because at least I did not lose myself, and with what I have gained in myself, I have the resources to find a better candidate to build a relationship with.
I give thanks to him and his soul for coming into my life to give me the lessons I needed. And one of the many lessons I have learned is: I don’t invest in him, I invest in me.
. . .
One of the physical outcomes of my recent healing is manifested in the activities on my dating app. Today, a new guy whom I am interested in is suggesting a date with me. Yay! I am upshifting!
I am thrilled because this time around I did not invest much effort on the app. Efficiency. Get in, get the best one, and get out. No more noise.
In the past I have never really passed my life lessons with flying colors. This time my aim is to pass it soon, because I have another healing project lined up immediately after, and it has some risks, so I need to really graduate from my current lessons in order to have the capacity to take on the project. And I have no doubt that project will bring me to new heights. More exciting times to come!