For the last few days I have been using a blend of seven flower essences that helps to foster loving and nourishing relationships. There are many surprises that come from it. As I use it more, I start to understand how it operates.
If there is an emotion that is stuck between me and another person, then this blend of flower essences would highlight that emotion for me to process. This might not sound like much, so let me put it in another way. Let’s say you and your partner have been getting along well for a long time, and everything seems peaceful and amicable on the surface. Once you take this blend, then the cracks between you will show up, one after another, right in front of your nose, in a way that you cannot avoid like you have been doing for the last however many years. You will then feel compelled to address it directly. That’s what I am feeling, although my experience seems a bit more complicated than that.
One of the complications is that the buried emotion is shoved in my face, and yet, I cannot shoot it at the person. So the emotion is hanging in the air, annoyingly, and every time I look at it, I have the urge to confront the person, but every time I end up restraining myself, because the other person is closed! Staring at the closed door, confused and stumped, I wonder, ‘Now what do I do with this annoyingly dangling emotion that hovers around like flies?’
After going round and round in circles in my head, I manage to straighten my thought flow and realize the exit point is actually to look directly at the emotion, go into it to go through it. Meaning, feel the emotion within me, instead of looking at the closed door and hoping that it will open. As I feel the emotion, it gradually melts away and there is no more emotional block between me and the person. The openness feels like my heart has opened, and the love flows more freely, until, my next dose of the blend works its magic again to highlight the next emotion that is sitting between me and the person.
That is generally the pattern I am operating in with this flower essences blend, although there are also other lessons relating to relationships that I have learned, and one such lesson is authenticity.
In the past, I have learned communication in an indirect way, avoiding expression of certain emotions out of shame, or avoiding expression of certain truths for the sake of others. For instance, when I lived with my relatives, my parents told me not to inconvenience them, so whatever discomfort or problem I had, I did not tell my relatives. And if anyone asked, I had to say that everything was good and my relatives were good to me. Gradually, I learned to talk like that with every one and in every situation.
After using this blend, I learn to articulate my thoughts and emotions in a straightforward manner, as well as communicating some of the more nuanced feelings that I usually overlook but are important for others to better understand me. Emotional directness and transparency.
However, my directness soon meets its next challenge. Certain emotions do not get through to my cousin, as in, he has zero receptors, zero perception, zero reaction. In other words, zero reciprocity. It’s like talking to a piece of wood. No response. Does the wood hear what I said? Does the wood understand what I said?
Frustration. Anger. Anguish.
My head could go round and round asking why wasn’t I heard, why wasn’t I seen? But I manage to exit that hamster wheel and enter another thought process that addresses the core issue: What exactly do I need? What am I trying to get out of the conversation?
Emotional support and comfort. Understanding. Connection. Protection.
There’s a lot of resentment and rage when these needs are not met. I enter another round of hamster wheel, questioning why he didn’t comfort me when I told him my grief, and why he never stood up for me when I was abused by my parents? When he and his family tiptoed around my problem, I felt even more hurt, because I perceived their silence as collusion with my parents. Disappointment was added to my original bitterness and anger. And in my darkness, I had screamed many times: “There’s no one!” No one to help me. Helplessness, fear, and sorrow were added to the emotional wound. As if that’s not enough compounding, my relatives said they cared deeply about me. More rage! And distrust.
As I stay with my wound, I come to realize that deep down I didn’t want protection, that I didn’t deserve protection. I only deserved punishment. As a child, when I was abused by my parents in public, I did not expect anyone to come to my rescue. The onlookers, be it my blood relatives or strangers, all looked on quietly. Such a dismal outlook on humanity.
The root of my psychological wound is deep, and its scope is large, so I turn to other flower essences and healing modalities for help. This blend of flower essences has brought to my awareness a lot of ancient wounds that are buried in my human connections, and after releasing them, I instill positive affirmations to attract healthy relationships in the future.
Gradually, the gap between me and my cousin feels lighter–less emotional heaviness. I no longer feel the need to confront him with any issues, because I no longer have the emotional charges.
Healing is an evolutionary process. As I heal my human relationships, I also acquire the capacity to form quality relationship. To continually witness a better version of myself is a very touching and fulfilling experience. I hope you are also celebrating your own personal growth.